Stats are fun

January 31, 2012 § 3 Comments

I’m being lazy again, but as this is the last day of my BLOOD CHALLENGE, I think I’ll have some fun.

Today is the 27th day of my blog, in that time I have had 392 views.  That equates to around 14.5 views a day.  If you were to put 14 and a half people n an elevator designed for 8 people, it wouldn’t like it very much.  To put it in other terms, if that many people were to give me a cent each, I would have a little under fifteen cents.  That would annoy me slightly, as assuming they were Australian, they would be “worth” about 1 million dollars, assuming they’re Australian, of course.  I should stop being stupid here.

The most views I’ve had on any one day was 40, which was achieved when I posted my rant about language: https://blaghman.wordpress.com/2012/01/20/please-try-to-use-our-language-properly/, even if my Kingdoms of  Amalur(https://blaghman.wordpress.com/2012/01/19/kingdoms-of-amalur-reckonatorationing-the-division-of-power-lords-of-the-fae-part-1-the-claudia-black-narration/) post garnered more views(4 vs. 2).  Including today, I’ve had three days where I’ve had only five views, a pitiful total.

It’s also important to note that I get significantly more views whenever I post about my blog on other sites.  Of my ~400 views, ~100 have been referred through Kotaku, ~20 via twitter, and a few via other means.  Given the increase in views on posting days is usually noticeably higher than this would indicate, this means one of two things(or it could be statistically irrelevant):  One, the WordPress system that monitors clicks here isn’t working properly, and so people will follow a link and it won’t be registered.  Or two, when I post about my blog, rather than following a link I’ll put up, people will go to the main site from memory.  I can’t really say which is more likely.  Although, given the most viewed article(bar the main page, of course) was one that I linked to(https://blaghman.wordpress.com/2012/01/24/this-is-kind-of-hard/), and which appeared at the top of a page in TAY, it indicates that people are doing it from memory.

I’m running low on data to aggregate here, even though none of it is necessarily statistically relevant.  So as a final point, of the 14 comments posted 7 have been spam.  The 7 that have been real comments have all been posted by men, and given approximately half the world’s population is female I feel like I can safely assume that all spam comments are done by women.

It’s the only logical explanation.

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Alright, alright, I forgot.

January 30, 2012 § Leave a comment

Yes, you heard me.  For the first time in my life, I had two things to do in one day.  Two.  So, because of that, I got distracted, and didn’t prepare anything.  While I could just dredge something else up from the archives, I feel like that would be cheating, somehow.  So instead, I will tell you a story.

 

Imagine there was once a little boy, who grew into a not so little, though still quite short man.  This man decided that stretching his vocal chords was fun, as was dancing stupidly, despite the fact that he was quite terrible at both.  Then people uploaded videos of it to youtube, and the man was like, “meh.”  And that’s why there will soon be videos of me being even more of an idiot than usual on the internet.  I mean of him.  Clearly.

The moral of this story, is that, uhh, ummm…  Ok, no, I got nothing.  And somehow I have managed to make a post that is even worse than my token “stupidly slack” post.  I hope you’re proud, world.  I hope you’re proud.

Things I thought I’d never say: Tony Abbott is Right

January 27, 2012 § Leave a comment

No, really.  Regardless of whether he was misinterpreted, I actually agree with him on two things.  Well, kind of.  Firstly, after the protests regarding his comments on the Tent Embassy, he said that the bodyguards/police took the right action.  I agree with this.  It’s a matter of safety, and not about making sure some ranger broad always looks prim and proper, or whatever people are complaining about.

Now the controversial one.  There shouldn’t be a Tent Embassy outside Parliament house, to represent the Aboriginal people of Australia.

Because, in theory, one shouldn’t be needed.  Hell, by this point it’s a symbol, as opposed to anything else.  Still, wouldn’t it be nice if we lived in a country where everyone was properly represented, and stunts such as it didn’t exist?

Yeah, alright, the Tent Embassy can stay.

Women are evil

January 26, 2012 § Leave a comment

Warning, this post contains spoilers for Zelda: Skyward Sword, and Katawa Shoujo.

OK, so let’s start this off.  In SS, at the start of the game, you’re playing a bit of a slacker.  He’s naturally good at whatever he does, has a special bird, and is best friends with a major hottie.  Basic cinematic standard demand that he go through a character arc.  So, he of course does.  However, there’s two things going on here, the first part, is the raw gameplay element, searching for stuff, getting Triforces, passing challenges.  Link grows throughout the game by going through what the game tells him to do.  Side characters will comment on how he’s looking more mature, more grown up.  You, as the player, cannot affect this.  You can’t help that Link grows.

You can’t help it, because Zelda is a bitch.  I mean, she’s your childhood friend, she knows you better than anyone, but more than that, it turns out that she’s the embodiment of the Goddess.  So, she falls to the world, that she can’t help, and she begins to remember things from her life as the Goddess.  Then, this Zelda/Goddess hybrid(who from now on will just be “Zelda” for simplicity’s sake), specifically acts in a manner to get Link, the chosen hero, to chase after her.  She manipulates your character emotionally, with the purpose of making him the hero he needs to be.  Your character spends the whole game being used, trying to rescue someone, who, while she needs rescuing, doesn’t necessarily need it from you.

To change topics slightly, I want to talk briefly about Katawa Shoujo, aka. “Cripple Girls” for lack of a better term.  One of the potential characters you can romance is Lilly.  The important thing with Lilly is that her family lives in Scotland.  There’s a scene involving her tearfully confessing to your character, begging you to never leave her, talking about how they have to always be together.  As part of the “Neutral” ending, Lilly leaves you to live with her family.  Here’s the thing though, she gets the offer to go live with her family before she confesses her undying love.  She says all of this, with the thought on her mind that she might leave.  She manipulates your character, avoids the truth with him, and however she may feel about it, in the end, she leaves him.  So, Lilly’s a bitch too.

But this is okay.  People are like this in real life.  We manipulate the people around us all the time.  So, bravo to both these games.  They have shown what people are really like, manipulative, self serving twats.  Does the end justify the means?  Maybe.  But it won’t change my opinion on women.

That is that boobs are great.

Secret Ninja cookies

January 25, 2012 § Leave a comment

After a discussion with people, we’ve decided that Sheik is a pretty cool guy.  eh eats secret ninja cookies, and doesn’t afraid of anything.

Sheik can stay in Zelda canon.

Though, I guess, the problem here is that it’s still not Zelda.  Once Sheik becomes Zelda, she becomes useless again.

What a crap character.

The Legend of Link: Link’s Quest of Linkness

January 25, 2012 § 3 Comments

Warning, very mild spoilers for Skyward Sword, and maybe a few other Zelda’s.  Or major, I don’t know, it depends on your idea of what’s major or not.  I consider them minor.

The Legend of Zelda. It’s a weird name, isn’t it? It really does imply that the game is Zelda going and doing legendary things. It’s not of course, we all know this. Some of us learnt it after opening up OoT for the first time, inputting our name as Zelda, only to find that we were meeting Zelda two hours into the tale. Others are just massive nerds who research everything, and knew a lot about the series before they even played a game. Maybe some people don’t know that your character’s name is Link(Or whatever you choose to name him, but he’s link). I don’t know, I just know that it’s not a story of Zelda. Yes, she’s a central character, but what has she ever really done? She achieved a fair amount as Sheik in OoT, that I’ll give her, even if her only role in the final battle is “oh hey, Link, you might want to hit him with the BANE OF ALL EVIL MASTER SWORD *cough*hint*cough*. In Twilight Princess she casts a bit of magic, but by the end, she’s essentially dead, and you have to save her. Guess what, Skyward Sword, which I just finished, you end up with her essentially dead again, while you battle to save the world. Hell, about the only time she’s had a real role is Wind Waker, and she was only a character while she wasn’t Zelda.

And this is the problem. The game relies on its name. If you see a Zelda game, you’ll know that it’s a top tier dungeon crawler, with graphics better than 90% of the games on the system, with combat that flows, but isn’t extremely difficult, and you know that at least one puzzle will cause you to spend twenty minutes running around the room, until you finally realise the solution, and hit yourself in the face with your hand. A Zelda game is quality, and that’s associated with the name. So Nintendo can’t ditch it. So, really, about the only options Ninty has, are to ditch the series(that will never happen), or to, I dunno, make Zelda a real character.

They don’t even have to make her a heroic character. She could be an antihero, she could be a little whingey princess, whatever. She just has to have a presence. I heard that Spirit Tracks has Zelda as a kind of spiritual character thing who’s present throughout the whole game. I don’t know though, I’m relying on my memory to say that. Did that help? Maybe, I don’t know, but at least it’s a step in the right direction.

So, how about we keep the whole “Zelda’s a princess” thing? Good? Cool. Now, what do you expect from a princess? Pretty? Sure, she’s always had that, at least as far as the hardware allowed. Doesn’t know anything about the world? That’s not very hard, so she’s pretty and innocent, oh, and scared. We’ve just placed her in a world, filled with scary monsters, and she’s spent her whole life in a castle with a thousand servants looking after her. She doesn’t know what’s happened to her family, her father was sick, maybe, and her mother disappeared many years ago. Cool, good start, we have a character for Zelda.

What about Link? A coupla years younger than Zelda, but not so much as to make it creepy, he’s a bit more knowledgeable of the world. He grew up on a farm, let’s say with his uncle, everyone likes uncle’s, and Zelda games do tend to avoid having immediate family members. Maybe Link even has a crush on a girl from the village near where he lives. He sees her every second Tuesday, when they go to market to sell produce. Next to the village is an old abandoned castle, he’s also spent a lot of time crawling around there, worming his way through gaps, and fighting his mates from the village with sticks. BAM! We have a Link. He can fight, he’s strong from his time on the farm, he can kind of deal with women, but is generally a little shy.

Plot? Hmm, well. Ganon takes over the world, searching for the TriForce, yada yada. Zelda refuses to cooperate, so she’s sent off to a castle.

It’s a Tuesday, the sun is out, Link is trying to work up the courage to ask out his crush. Suddenly *BAM*! The sky darkens, people scream, and the castle he’s spent months exploring starts to pulsate. THe villagers all disappear around him, his hand starts pulsating, and he watches as the souls of everyone he knows are sucked towards the castle. With only a fair amount of hesitation Link heads towards the castle. He crawls through some side passages, up a wall, throws a stone at a pressure plate, opening up a secret way. When suddenly, he finds himself in the centre of the castle. In front of him is a girl, dressed in muddied whites. She’s crying, she doesn’t know what’s happening. He goes over to her, gives her a hug, and offers her his hand. She eventually quietens, stands up, takes his hand, and hands him a stick. As their hands touch though, a sudden change happens, the castle transforms. Suddenly resplendent in its former glory, like a snapshot through time it stands. Link searches for his old ways through it, only to find the holes repaired.

He’s goingto have to go the long way through. He grabs the girl’s hand, and leads her throughthe main doors, suddenly, a spectre appears in front of him, it’s his uncle. It lunges for Zelda, cursing in an ancient tongue. He doesn’t think, he beats it off. It falls to the ground, wisps floating up around it. He’s shocked, he may have just killed his uncle. After a minute of exploring the room though, the spectre bounced back up, heading straight for Zelda. Relieved that it survived, he beats it down again, channeling all his anger over all the hardships he faced from his uncle, no matter how much he loved him.

For the rest of the dungeon, the map is Link’s memory of what happened, he guides Zelda around, opening things, and using the spectres as a gameplay element to solve puzzles. There, Zelda is now a real character, you have to lead her around, holding her hand, until you can solve what’s happening, and finish it all. As the game goes on, Zelda gets braver and braver, needing your hand less, and even taking the charge at times. Your companion through everything you do, Zelda is always there, and always a character.

OK, so I realise that I basically just described Ico, with a slight hint of Zelda in it. But I’m cool with that, can you really say that that would be a bad game? I’d play it, that’s for sure.

This is kind of hard

January 24, 2012 § Leave a comment

Procrastination is key.  Well, not really, but it seems to be what I’m best at.  Here’s the thing, I like writing, I enjoy getting my thoughts into some kind of vaguely physical format, and then letting the world be apathetic towards them.  So why have I been failing at doing new blog posts?  Sure, I’ve been updating my blog, but the only reason I’ve managed to not write new things is because I have so much crap stored up.  Hell, some of it had never seen the light of day, not even on Facebook(my usual ranting platform), and for good reason.  A lot of what I write it crap.  I tend to meander, I often write without purpose, but you know what, that’s okay, because this place isn’t for you.  Well, not really.  It’s for me.  And I’m ignoring it.  What does this say?  Well, quite a lot probably.  But I’m not going to psychoanalyse it, that’s for my non-existent therapist.

Instead, I’m going to talk about Zelda, briefly.  I blame Zelda.  She’s pretty, but also the game.  I’ve been playing Skyward Sword.  And so I’ve been too busy to write something up.  Well, that’s the excuse I’m using anyway.  Today though, I didn’t play Zelda that much.  Because it crashed, and I lost two hours of progress.  So I started tidying my room.  And now it looks even worse than it did before I started.  So overall, I did nothing today, and all I have are excuses.  The best excuses.  The worst excuses.  You stupid monkey.

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