I’m a jerk
February 6, 2012 § 2 Comments
So, I haven’t really used this as a proper blog, by which I mean a place for me to get actual feelings and stuff about the real world out there. But that’s probably because I’m terrible at the whole “feelings” things. I haven’t always been so emotionless. But I guess I just got sick of crying, and this was the only way to do it. A side effect of that was that I became increasingly bad at understanding other people. I have become introverted to the point of fault. I will avoid socialising for no better reason than “I don’t want to go outside.” So, I’ve lost touch with people. I expect for people to understand this about me, but I don’t have a way to suddenly let them know. It’s something you’ll either notice, or you won’t.
What does this mean? It means I’m terrible when it comes to understanding Social Faux Pas(that’s the plural form, which is stupid).
So I’ve resorted to joking a lot. I hardly ever say things seriously. If I say something stupid or wrong, I can usually just laugh it off, and act like I was joking. But if I say something offensive? It just makes me look like a jerk. I don’t mean to be one, not really, but that’s what I am. I am insensitive to how people feel. I never compliment people, not because I don’t think their actions don’t merit it, but because I’m really not sure how complimenting works. Whenever someone says something to me, I assume they’re just being nice, so shouldn’t they feel the same way? But clearly that’s not the case, as people compliment people all the time. It’s just a mystery to me, and trying to think about it just makes it worse.
Anyway, where I’m trying to go with this is that I’m awkward. And the awkwardness builds in on itself, making it worse and worse.
So, for the second time in my life, I have made someone I know very sad, without any ill intention.
Great, the worst kind of a jerk. The accidental kind.
So, I guess I need to do something about this. I need to be less of a dick. I need to talk to people more. And I need to try and have real emotions again.
So there it is, consider it a not-new-years resolution. I need to become a human again, not just some shell that sits here and judges.
This is going to hurt.